An incident happened just this week, which made me see myself and the thoughts deep within me.

One of my colleagues found a job and she was all so happy about it. I was happy for her but at the same time, i felt a rather sharp pain of failure, out of nowhere. i asked myself: why did i feel that? upon deeper ‘communication’ and acknowledgement of the evil in my head, i realised it came from her finding a job so easily and earning that much more as compared to me. immediately, i realised my sense of greed is at work. so i pushed it away and told myself, i shall not be jealous of her. cos i should be happy for her that she’s found something good for herself. but i have to admit that i felt guilty for even being jealous of her. i told her the next day when she asked me for advice on her new job. it made me feel better that i told her cos i really regard her as a friend than just a ‘another colleague’.

as we progress along the conversation, we discussed the pros and cons of the new job, compatibility with her character, etc. She told me her concerns and i told her my worries. we discussed and i realised that if i were in her position, i won’t be happy for long. i may even be more upset than compared to if i were in audit. i could jolly well be earning more but i would feel worse off cos audit provides me with the various human contact which her new job does not. all the human contact is what made me stay in audit thus far.

like what i told her, i’ve learnt nothing in audit except soft skills, communicating with different kinds of people. and this is the exact skill that i’ll bring with me to other jobs that i truly want to work on. also, she also made me say out what i want to do. in fact, i know i want to heal people, not just physically but also mentally. i want to be able to relieve pain of the people who are hurting. it’s a big dream but i want to do it. it’s no longer just teaching. when i wanted to teach, i just wanted to fulfill the part of me who wants to be able to impart, which can be done if i survive one yr of audit senior.

for now, i feel like being a chinese sinsei, who specialises in massaging of nerves and muscles. i always feel good when i managed to relieve the pains of my mum’s knees.

somewhere deep inside me, i know that i can handle any, i mean any, jobs that i’m willing to take up. for all those ‘office work’, it’s really about understanding the basis and things will unravel by itself. but i know there’s one thing that i may not be able to do well. And that is YOGA. heh, it’s really sad to tell people that i’m still not able to do 50% of a chaturanga well enough after almost 2 yrs of practice (even if it’s on-and-off). this is the only job now that i’ve no confidence about. i’m even confident about myself being a wonderful teacher. haha.

should i consider doing yoga for a career? when i do yoga, it’s the only time when i feel like i’m troubles-free. truth to tell, it’s a bitch when i’m in the yoga pose. but precisely because it’s such a bitch, i don’t think about other things and when i rest, i also don’t think about anything because i was worn out from swearing at that ‘bitch’.

i’m going to take one mth of no-pay leave in june/july and i hope to make a decision then. no point taking a CPA when i don’t even want to be an accountant right? =) waste everyone’s time.

Quote of the day:

One of the biggest obstacles on the path is the doubting mind. Until we see through it, doubt incapacitates the mind, blocking our effort for clarity.